I had been dreaming of my parents’ house. In my dream, I was changing my father’s diaper. I approached the chute where I’d drop the dirty diaper when three boards in the floor beneath me opened and a man emerged. He was an intruder. I ran screaming from the room.

Wide awake now, I realized the rat’s struggles were symbolic of my own struggle to accept my father’s present condition: speechless, nearly motionless, tucked into a hospital bed, his cheeks sunken, mouth opened in a perpetual “0.”

While my husband got out of bed to attend to the rat, I dressed to leave for a visit to my parents’ house. My father’s 90th birthday, was the occasion. My mother, loyal, loving to her husband of 66 years was the real reason for my visit. Every morning she stood by my dad’s bedside reading the LA Times news articles.

Diagnosed with advanced dementia, I doubted my father knew it was his birthday or whether I was there. I did not want the day to pass without celebration but I did not want to go.

Bidding good bye to my husband as he carried the rat to the garbage, I got in the car and drove down Pacific Coast Highway in the rain. A cell phone call brought the raspy voice of my son who caught a cold in the middle of his grad school finals.

“Stay home,” I told him, “see grandpa after finals.”

Arriving at my parents’ home at 10:00, I found my mother still curled up in bed. I told the caregiver not to allow my mother to sleep all morning. “She needs to be up and about or she’ll waste away,” I explained rather testily.

Bending to hug my mother, I said with forced gaiety “It’s dad’s birthday, Ma, get up.” My mother opened an eye. “It’s cold,” she said. I picked out a warm outfit for her to wear and crossed the hall to the bedroom with the hospital bed and my dad, shrunken from 6 months of inactivity.

“I love you daddy,” I said to the inert form under the blankets. “I made you strawberry shortcake for your birthday.” I kissed him, searching for a lifted eyebrow, flutter of an eyelid, but…nothing. The general gloom of the day exaggerated the darkness of the two back bedrooms and extended the feeling of dread I’d awakened with.

I left my father to call my daughter, Rachel who lives near my parents.”

Grandma and I are driving over. I’ve brought you a trellis and blackberry plant for your front yard.”

My daughter who’d been out of work for the last week, replied that SHE was sick and did not feel like company.

“We’re coming,” I said. “It’s an outing for Grandma and furthermore, I‘m not returning home with this trellis.”

By then my mother appeared, dressed and ready to eat, so I served the chicken stew the caregiver had on the stove. After my mother had eaten and had her tea and cookie, I suggested we get in the car to go to Rachel’s.

“I’m nauseated,” she said. I don’t feel like going anywhere.”

My mom, normally a positive person, lives with deep conflict. She longs to get out of her house for an adventure yet fears leaving my dad.

“I’ll wait until your food settles.” I told her.

Once in the car, my mother’s happiness at getting out trumped any prior complaints. Marveling at the drive we’d taken so many times, she said, “Everything looks different though I’ve been on this street many times.” I think my mom’s minor dementia tinges familiar scenes with the unexpected. ” I know this street, but it’s changed,” she continued to remark.

Greeting us, my daughter’s mood recovered as suddenly as my mother’s. We hugged her, petted her Rhodesian ridgeback, admired the stunning ocean view from her apartment and devoured warm chocolate chip cookies she baked to go with hot tea.

By the time we started back home to Torrance, the rain stopped. In a sunny mood, we drove though Redondo Beach looking for Ernest Avenue where my family owned our first house, a tiny a one bedroom bungalow on a large lot. I began to remind my ma of neighbors we had 55 years ago.

“Ma remember Joy and Herby Wangenheim whose parents went to square dancing every week?

“Remember Sharon Wilson? I got mad at her and bit her on the back. Her dad, Clayton came to scold me and I rode around on dad’s shoulders, feeling safe from Clayton’s wrath.

“If this sounds like a one sided conversation, it was. My mother nodded in recognition of names, but she couldn’t conjure up any memories on her own.

By the time we pulled into my parents’ driveway, we were in full of memories which we carried to my father’s bedside. My mother on one side of the bed, I stood on the other stroking my dad’s head, recounting the our recollections of the car and adding a few.

“Remember the Villanuevas,” dad?’ I asked. “You and ma bought a whole kitchen full of Flavorseal pots and pans to help Mr. V. with his sales business. Except for the handles, they still look pretty good.”

“Daddy do your remember the Pitts who lived across the street? They had chickens running around under their California pepper trees.”

“Remember, Jimmy Harbuck? I was about nine and he was one of my first boyfriends. He came to visit me and had the sense to compliment you on your lawnmower? You would’ve let me marry him right then based on his brilliance.

“My dad’s eyes opened.

“I love you.” he said, three clear words, spoken at a moment where they fit.

“I love you, too, pappy,” I answered.

Here, close to my mother and father on my dad’s birthday, I was exactly where I wanted to be.

“Dad gave US a birthday present,” I told my mother, delivering a loud kiss to her cheek, and then I went to the kitchen for the strawberry shortcake.

By Marsha A. Temlock, M.A.
Author: Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do

According to one market research company, Age Wave Communications, the five best things grandparents can do to make grandkids happy are: take them out to eat, have a sleepover, go shopping, play games, and watch TV together. Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately, the role is more complicated when parents get divorced and grandparents must do double-duty.

Of course, not all grandparents are pulled into the divorce fray. But many find themselves caught in the tug of war while trying to bind family wounds and be there for their grandkids.

Case in point: Helen R. had just moved to a retirement community when her son announced he and his wife were splitting.

“My life was turned topsy-turvy,” she admits. “Edward had no place to go so I told him to come home. I set up a cot and two cribs in the guest room for when the girls slept over. That was three years ago. So far it’s cost me $75,000 in lawyer’s fees while their parents battle over custody. It’s terrible, just terrible. I’m exhausted and there’s no end in sight.”

In my guide (“Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect … What You Can Do”) that takes seniors through the five stages of the son or daughter’s divorce, I tell grandparents the best way to help grieving and confused grandchildren is to provide consistency, security, safety and freedom from stress. To make their home a neutral place where they, as well as the grandkids, can escape the divorce battlefield and comfort one another.

Here are some more helpful tips:

* Don’t ply grandkids with questions about their home life. Try to be positive about the time they spend with each parent. Don’t disparage either one, even if it means digging deep.

* Respect the grandchild’s confidence unless he or she is in danger. It’s natural for children to complain about parents who are focused on themselves. Complaining is a way of testing grandma’s loyalty.

* Be aware that grandparents can become the enemy by association if their son or daughter was the leaver. The best advice is to turn the other cheek and continue to express your love.

* Finally, resist throwing out the wedding album because grandparents provide a context for the younger generation. One day, when tempers cool, that angry grandkid will want to see you twenty pounds thinner, decked out in that sequin dress, your arms around his or her father.

Studies have shown that grandparents are victims like kids of their parents’ decision to end their marriage. This is a chance to form close bonds with the younger generation. Even if you are a long-distance grandparent, you can make a difference. It’s just a question of knowing what to expect and what you can do.

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I am currently researching my next book, Grandparenting After Your Child’s Divorce and would like to hear your grandparent story. Please contact me at mtemlockauthor@aol.com and visit my web site www.yourchildsdivorce.com.

There is a small, but powerful growing trend surfacing among informed family care givers of those who are frail elderly and people living with dementia. The movement is getting the attention of professional care facilities nationwide. Traditionally, society has focused on community awareness for the disease and our national resources have been intent on finding a cure, but many family caregivers are also interested in quality of care in the day-to-day lives of their loved ones.

Research supports the importance of quality creative cultural programming. Some care facilities are beginning to listen to family concerns and families are asking direct questions regarding daily care activities. What activities do you have? And, who is conducting these activities? What is their level of training and expertise? Many care facility placement decisions are based on the family’s satisfaction to the answers of these questions.

We know from the work of Gene Cohen, MD, PhD, George Washington University Medical Center, that there is a positive impact of professionally conducted cultural programs on the physical health, mental health and social functioning of older adults. Results revealed positive intervention effects in relation to number of doctor visits, medication usage, depression, morale, and activity level. Cohen’s 2-year study results were published, June 2007, in the Journal of Aging, Humanities and the Arts, 1:1,5-22

At present, some care facility staff is being trained specifically in the creative arts; music, and dance for the purpose of conducting classes in their care facilities. Sometimes, that already-busy facility staff views conducting art classes as one more additional task they are being asked to perform and one that is not necessarily of their particular interest or talent.

In contrast, there are a growing number of professional activity directors specializing in programs like the Memories in the Making © art program, Time/Slips ©, storytelling, singing in chorales, dance and song writing. They are independently contracting with care facilities to provide this level of quality activity.

Additionally, volunteers with a giving heart and spare time are volunteering, and learning how to conduct special classes for the purpose of giving their time and energy as creative facilitators. They are often family, who have creative talents and want to give back to the community.

The results show an ever increasing level of activities available for our senor population. Activities that impact the quality of life as measured in the quality of the specific moment. We now have Dr. Cohen’s study to support the value of the smiles and laughter we observe during these creative sessions. A mid-morning art class produces not only art, but social interaction with other residents and facility staff. Staff reports, after the creative class ends, attendees appear to have better appetites and more social interaction for the afternoon. Additionally, the staff admits to more job satisfaction when they also participate in the creative activity with those in their care. More job satisfaction translates into less employee turnover and a better trained staff person.

The specialized quality activities appear to be satisfying to everyone including care facility management. The families report pleasure at some of the talents emerging from their loved ones and a new way of interacting that is not about their declining disease. People who have never painted before are producing beautiful works of art, participating in a chorale singing group or taking part in a community play.

If you would like to learn more about the Memories in the Making art program or want to know more about other existing creative programs contact:

La Doris “Sam” Heinly
Memories in the Making National Program consultant
Alzheimer’s Association, Orange County
www.Alzheimersartspeaks.com

Marilyn Lorey
Memories in the Making Coordinator
Alzheimer’s Association, Orange County

Karen L. Twichell, Author/Speaker
A Caregiver’s Journey – Finding Your Way

This year over one million Americans will be diagnosed with cancer. Add to this number thousands of stroke, heart disease, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and AIDS cases and you will discover that there is an entire community of caregivers about to find out how well prepared they are for one of life’s ultimate responsibilities.

You’ve finally booked that trip to Europe that you’ve wanted to take for so long. You are already scheduling gatherings for the holidays with friends and family. Suddenly, as the result of an annual check-up, a loved one is given a life-threatening diagnosis. It isn’t just about the loved one, it’s about both of you and how your lives will forever be changed by this diagnosis. Your strength and your courage and your faith will be tested. You will be sad and angry and afraid at times. However long it may last, what will get you through this difficult time is being prepared for the demands you now face.

It is very important to understand that your life will not be the same for a while and trying to continue to do everything you normally do and be a caregiver at the same time is simply not doable. There are three things you can do right away:

• EDUCATION. Learn everything you can about the disease, the medication and treatment options, the possible side-effects of both the disease and the medications and the prognosis for your patient. This can be a bit disarming at first, but unless you know what you are up against, it is like fighting an unknown enemy. By learning all there is to know about the specific illness you will know what to expect, be prepared for it and know what to do as the disease progresses or the medications change.

• ORGANIZATION. The paperwork can be an overwhelming part of your new task. The first day you learn of the diagnosis, put together a treatment journal so that you can keep all of your paperwork together in one place. Make it easy on yourself by making sections for a calendar which allows you to plan appointments and to look back on important dates. Add physician information, medication lists, patient information sheets and any other documents specific to your patient. Take it with you to every appointment.

• SELF-CARE. No matter how overwhelming the experience may be, it cannot be stressed enough how important it is to take care of yourself. Taking some time each week to do something just for you is essential. Accepting help from others is a learned skill, but with a little practice you can learn to accept an offer from a friend to prepare a meal or pick up your dry cleaning.

There is comfort in the knowledge that we are truly needed. The better prepared we are the more confidence we have in our ability to care for and give dignity to those who need our help.

By Kathy Laurenhue
www.wisernow.com

A couple of years ago, I came across a brief article by Tom Staverosky which suggested the body has two brains – the one in our heads and the hidden one in our stomachs. When you have butterflies in your stomach or acid rising in your esophagus, it is often related to thoughts or fears your head brain is trying to suppress. There are scientific explanations for the physiological reactions to stress, but the author’s point was that what we feel in our gut is an accurate assessment of the things we need to be paying attention to.

As caregivers, we know this intellectually – in our head brain – but can’t figure out how to actually find time for exercises to soothe the gut brain. Furthermore, many of us have heard frightening admonishments about the need to keep our minds active in order to keep them from deteriorating as we age. Brain exercise systems abound, but for many the idea of constantly testing their brain age seems only to add more acid to their gut brains.

There is no doubt that current life presents innumerable causes for stress. If you are a caregiver, you have responsibilities you hadn’t anticipated, wish you didn’t have to face and aren’t sure you have the stamina to overcome. Can you really reduce your anxiety when you have good cause for it? Yes, actually.

It IS important to keep your mind active, but you can both stimulate your head brain and soothe your gut brain, if you take time each day for an activity you love. Is gardening your thing? Getting outdoors even for an odious task like pulling weeds is a proven stress-reliever for people who love gardening. If you can’t get outdoors because you’re spending hours in a doctor’s waiting room, bring along a gardening magazine. When you read about something you enjoy, you are expanding your brain knowledge and time flows. When time flows, you are relaxed, and relaxed learners learn more.

But notice that the key here is to do something you love. If gardening is NOT your thing, chances are great that it won’t be soothing. Think about what makes time fly for you – playing an instrument, listening to music, a game of tennis, genealogy, stamp collecting, knitting – anything you love presents opportunities for you to stretch your mind and learn more, while also calming those butterflies in your stomach. Interestingly, you don’t have to spend hours doing something you love to feel the stress relief. Often a five or 10-minute break is enough to help us return refreshed to more difficult tasks. It’s like putting more air into a depleted balloon. (And adding more oxygen to our brains – through a soothing break, physical exercise, singing or laughing –helps us think more clearly.)

Exercise systems that test your brain knowledge and attempt to decrease your response time have their place, but for people whose egos are fragile, time is precious and stress levels are already high, such systems can further threaten self-esteem that is already deflated. Don’t buy into that “ought to.” If doing a daily crossword puzzle is something you love, by all means do it. If the very thought of attempting it makes your palms sweat, choose another activity.

Doing what you love is about using your unique talents. If you love gardening, chances are you have a natural affinity for it. To substitute something that is a chore – like crossword puzzles – would be like sending someone like Placido Domingo to college to study chemistry. A travesty. And if you love something and aren’t good at it, don’t worry. The woods would be silent if only the birds who sang best sang at all.

What do you think?
• What is your gut brain telling you to pay attention to?
• What would refresh you?
• What do you love to do?
• How does doing what you love boost your self-esteem? How does doing what you dislike threaten it?
• How can you incorporate bits of what you love into full days?

Shannon Ingram
Writer/Speaker/Trainer
Book: The Heart Way-A Journey from Corporate to Care

When I took on the role of caregiver to my octogenarian parents, I thought no subject would be too difficult to discuss with them. We had always enjoyed open dialogs on a wide variety of topics. We worked together to resolve the issues of taking medications at the appropriate times every day, handling finances, giving up driving in favor of being shuttled wherever they needed to go and living quarters. The only subjects that were off limits were hygiene, and worse, incontinence.

When I did laundry, I was shocked to discover my parents’ undergarments were horribly soiled, and in some cases, their outerwear was too. Taking a shower was no longer a pleasant experience for them, and they didn’t want to talk about it. Every day, they would tell me they felt clean, even if they smelled awful. I tried talking them into letting me give them each a bath and bought a chair and a new hand-held nozzle for their shower. They insisted a quick rub with a washcloth was all it took to stay clean and they could do it themselves, to which I responded, “NOT! And furthermore, you need to wear adult diapers.” With that, they asked me to leave. It was embarrassing for all of us.

Driving home, I realized this was the worst challenge we had encountered. I knew there had to be a better way to support them without sacrificing their dignity. I stopped at the pharmacy and talked to a sympathetic pharmacist who suggested the Depends type of padded underwear for my mom and special plastic pants for dad that could be purchased at the medical supply store. I researched plastic pants on the Internet and found there were several kinds that looked and apparently felt just like “real” underwear.

I bought some products for my parents to sample and took them to their home the next day. Thankfully, Mom and Dad were happy to see me. I asked if we could sit down at the kitchen table and talk about the nasty subject of “leaking.” They agreed. I shared with them what I had researched and they checked out my purchases. I had bought a special garbage can for them to use solely for this purpose. They were impressed, even grateful. I shared with them that almost everyone their age was using these products and Mom said, “So it’s not just our dirty little secret.” We laughed.

That was three years ago. Today, they have adjusted to living with padded underwear, although Dad still misses his old boxer shorts. They allow me or their other caregiver to give them a bath now. With “time, love and tenderness” – the lyrics to one of my favorite songs - even the most degrading topics can be discussed and resolved in caregiving.

What’s your experience of tackling incontinence? Do you have any tips or questions? Please share with us.

Believe it or not but many people going through divorce want to maintain good relationships with the so-called ex-laws post-divorce. Divorce spells loss for everyone — it is probably one of the most difficult terrains to cross especially for grandparents who fear they will not see their grandkids when the parents split and the courts decide the custody issues.

The stats tell the story: Even when there is joint custody, the maternal grandparents are more likely to maintain and even enhance their relationship with the grandchildren, but if it’s the son, their relationship is likely to be diminished in quantity and probably quality.

Here are some suggestions how to say I love you to grandchildren to avoid missing out on their love and affection when their parents separate or divorce –

The general rule of thumb that should guide grandparents is understanding that children of all ages can only profit by having as much love around them as possible during tough times, so don’t remove yourself from the scene even if it means going against your grain and opening the door with the in-law with whom you hold hard feelings. (And feelings of ill-will are understandable!)

1. Open the door right after the breakup by sending an e-mail, making a phone call, text-messaging, sending a card. In other words, do whatever it takes to say I love the kids and want to stay in touch. Express your concerns up front. After all, you are human and have a right to be concerned.

2. Bite your tongue and accept the fact you may have to hear some negative stuff about your own child from both the in-law and your grandchildren who are hurting. Keep in mind, nerves are raw but they will heal by-and-by. Be the “big” one and set the standard for civility.

3. Discuss visitation concerns. Grandparents have to accept the fact that visitation is a gift not a given (At least according to current court rulings about grandparents’ rights). If you fear losing your grandkids, have your son or daughter, write something in the divorce agreement about your visitation privileges, but don’t count on this being upheld in court. It may be that something “official” will work to your benefit.

4. Do your very best to make visitations stress-free. Don’t ply the grand kids with questions about the in-law.

5. Stick to the rules set down by the custodial parent and show your appreciation that you’ve spent time with them. Chances are if you observe the rules you’ll get to see the kids again.

6. Give lots of advance notice if you have a special occasion and you want to see the grandchildren.

7. Don’t come on too strong in the beginning about seeing the grandchildren while the parents are trying desperately to reorganize their lives. You may have to settle for crumbs at the outset.

8. Always say something positive about the in-law so the “nice words” are carried back. Dig deep if you have to.

In summary: Loving relationships are hand-hammered. Sometimes the material we have to work with is resistant and can get easily dented. The final product is worth the care. And try to be a grandparenting friend, not a foe to maintain the all-important loving relationship.

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Author: “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do”
Impact Publishers, Inc. (2006)
visit my web site: http://www.yourchildsdivorce.com